


Expectations

by kbegger



Category: K-pop, VIXX
Genre: Angst, Foot Fetish, J/K not really, Just barely gets lighter at the end, Mental Breakdown, Sad VIXX, Someone gets punched, Taekwoon wants to feed ducks mini pancakes at night, emotionally dead, everyone cries at some point, it's all angsty, you wanna cry too?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-05 05:03:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17318603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kbegger/pseuds/kbegger
Summary: Taekwoon stood on an abandoned road in the grassy, yellowed country side. It was a snow-less winter day. Somehow it was sunny, but dark and stormy at the same time. For some reason he couldn't stop Hakyeon from walking even though normally he could have just picked him up and physically restrained the zombie-esque dancer. His friend looked almost skeletal and his feet looked grotesquely cut up on stray pieces of glass like they were filming voodoo doll all over again. Hakyeon's vacant stare snapped to enraged alertness and gouged Taekwoon with the intensity of the switch. Then he felt like he was falling and on jarring impact woke up in a cold sweat. He was confused about why he was in a panic to find his phone and before he thought it through he was listen to ringing. The panic didn't end when Hakyeon picked up.





	Expectations

Please don't take this as fact. I'm just making it up, these aren't real events. I just felt like writing something angsty. I've been in a bad mood the last week because I fucked up my meds and other shit happened -_- so now I'm spreading the misery. Enjoy.

\-----

Hakyeon just felt numb. The anti-depressants had robbed him of emotion and he was ok with that. All of the things he had wanted before were already gone anyway. Depression had stolen his passions and the pills made it easier to not care about the loss. It made it easier to ignore everyone's disappointed looks as he rejected dancing and singing and just being a kpop idol in general. It made it easier to purge his life of all negative triggers. 

No one helped him move out of the dorm. His members didn't try to persuade him to stay. They weren't even concerned with saying goodbye. Nothing had been revealed to the media, nor anything officially put in writing, no discussion had even, but they knew Hakyeon had lost interest and the rest of Vixx was pissed about it. They could tell he would quietly slip away to his military service and even more quietly slip out of the spot light with no contract renewal after his term was served. It left them feeling heavily betrayed. It had a domino effect of isolation. 

. . .

It had been a successful opening show. Still Jaehwan had found a dark corner of backstage to fight back tears. No one from Vixx came to opening night of his musical. He did his best to collect himself and return home as composed as possible, dodging any further social obligations. The dorm was quiet and it was only an hour after he had changed and washed of his stage make up that any of the others started returning home one by one. Hyuk had tossed his bag down, greeted him, and made a bee line for the shower. Hongbin just gave a weak wave to the vocalist before shutting his door. Muffled video game noises leaked out. Wonshik just showered then headed back to his studio. Taekwoon puttered around before making himself busy in the kitchen. Jaehwan stood in the middle of the living room, counter intuitively sipping on a mug of coffee being as he had originally planned on sleeping. He watched the weak comings and goings with building anger. How dare they shrivel inward and get lost in their own little worlds. He didn't even want to ask them to hang out because they would only half-ass it. He scrolled through his phone absent mindedly and Hakyeon's Instagram post made him scream. At least the others had come up with viable excuses or had gotten tickets for a different night.

Taekwoon rushed from the kitchen when he heard Jaehwan's coffee mug shatter. His concerned inquiry died on his lips as he took in the sight of Jaehwan throwing anything that would make a satisfactory level of raw, ugly noise. He had to restrain the younger before he could throw his cell phone at the window glass. "Jaehwan! Jaehwan! What the fuck? What's gotten into you?" Taekwoon shouted in alarm. Hyuk and Hongbin had immerged following the ruckus to see Jaehwan going limp in Taekwoon's arms. 

"It's not fair! It's not fair! I hate him! How dare he do this to us! He was supposed to look after us! He was supposed to be here. He was supposed to be at my musical's opening night, but the fucking bastard stayed home to read a stupid fucking book. Look at this piece of shit." He sobbed and waved his phone around and Hongbin snatched it before it could be thrown. The other two watched with stilled, shocked attention as Taekwoon lowered Jaehwan to the ground, careful to avoid spilled coffee and porcelain shards. Jaehwan was now sobbing uncontrollably and Taekwoon crouched to wrap him in a hug. "I'm sorry Jyani, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." He whispered and choked on the lump in his throat lodged there by the force of the break down. 

It made them jump when Hongbin punched the wall and then, trembling, started putting on his shoes and coat. "What are you doing?" Taekwoon asked fearfully. He already knew.

"I'm going to beat some sense into him." He gritted out then slammed the door. 

"Good." Taekwoon whispered before reaching out to bring Hyuk into the huddle. They both snuggled in against the sobbing vocalist in hopes of mitigating the brokenness suffocating their team. 

. . .

All Hyuk's text to Wonshik said was "I need you to go to Hakyeon's place right now before Hongbin commits a felony. Hurry."

So he did and ran in the open door just in time to see Hongbin knock Hakyeon over with a heavy punch to the jaw. Hakyeon didn't even look surprised. Wonshik pulled Hongbin away from the eldest as he tried to lug Hakyeon to his feet by his shirt collar. He was shouting curses and when he kicked out he flipped Hakyeon's coffee table over. It hurt his foot but he didn't care. Hakyeon hefted himself onto his couch and rubbed at his jaw. Wonshik shouted at Hongbin to calm down or else someone would call the cops on them. He shoved the fuming man down into a chair so he could push the door closed for privacy.

Wonshik felt like an angry parent when he demanded an explanation. 

"It was Jaehwan's opening night and this pompous prick didn't show. Too busy reading whatever shit-tastic literature he's into these days."

Hakyeon just fixed a bored glare at Hongbin. "I wasn't invited."

"You're never home. When would we have been able to invite you?"

"I have a phone." Just because he was technically right didn't make the situation right and Hongbin wasn't going to let the estranged group member win.

"Jaehwan had a fucking mental breakdown. Full on screaming and crying. I don't care about your reasoning, that's on you."

Hakyeon looked confused. "In public?"

"No, in the dorm." 

Wonshik stood off to the side and massaged his face with his hands. What a mess.

"So? How the hell are you going to fix this?" Hongbin spat. They just stared each other down and the tension grew like a quickly inflating balloon. It was making Wonshik sick to his stomach with disgust. He tapped on Hongbin's shoulder and murmured "Let's just go home. He doesn't care. There is no point in expecting him to fix it." He led the angry band mate out and sent him home, claiming since they drove separate Wonshik would be back to the dorm soon, he just needed to finish up something at the studio. Hongbin bought it and promised to drive safely.

Wonshik hauled himself back upstairs and entered without knocking, unsurprised that Hakyeon hadn't moved. He tossed him an ice pack from the freezer and in tired frustration sat in the chair Hongbin had vacated. They sat in silence, Hakyeon feeling slighted by the intrusion and Wonshik trying to measure his words carefully so he didn't make things worse.

"How've you been feeling? Taking your pills right?" Wonshik tried in a nervous small voice.

"Yes, I've been good about it." Hakyeon added at the same volume but sounding more sullen.

"Ah…good…good……and vacation? How's that been going?"

"It's almost over. My enlistment date is set. They said as long as I say consistent with my medication I could do the civil service." Wonshik just silently nodded in response. 

"It will take longer."

"It's not like they'd let me do normal enlistment."

"Oh right, yeah, I suppose so……………….how's therapy going?" Wonshik asked tentatively. 

"Same old, same old." Hakyeon said with a shrug.

"You aren't going to give me anything are you?" Hakyeon just shrugged again.

"….Hakyeon…isn't there anyone that you still trust? I know me and the guys failed you, but isn't there anyway we can try to-"

"No. There's nothing. I've kind of realized in therapy that our group was getting dysfunctional long before I shut down. I'm not mad about it anymore. It's no one's fault. These things just happen….… Wonshik...for the first time in my life things…are…easy. Can't you guys just-"

He needed to leave before Hakyeon officially said any words to kick him out of his life for good, so Wonshik cut in. "Good for you. I'm glad things are going well for you. It sounds like I need to go do some damage control so I think I'm going to head out." Under his breath Wonshik added "Because I can't take doing this."

"Alright. See you around I guess." Hakyeon said without moving to see him out.

Wonshik paused. "Are you fucking kidding me? See you around? This is the first time I've seen you in three months." He snapped, then tried to reel in his frustration with a resigned sigh. "Sorry, I just-…. When's your enlistment date?" he tried in a much softer tone.

"It's on the xx of x"

"I've been working on some tracks. We would have time to drop an album and do a bit of promoting before that date. I'd really like it if you did it with us." 

"mm, no…I don't think that's a good idea…no, do the drop after I enlist. Taekwoon won't have to leave right away so he'll have time to participate before you guys have to resort to solo activities. That way things won't be rushed and you can have enough practice time. You wouldn't be happy with the album if it's just something slapped together as an excuse to rope me in. Albums are rather permanent." 

Wonshik bit his lip trying to keep tears at bay as Hakyeon continued. "If it's any consolation we'll probably have to do some kind of VixxTV thing as a sendoff. For appearances you know…"

"That's not even remotely the same." Wonshik rasped, barely able to make coherent sound. He shut the door behind him before Hakyeon could witness him falling apart.

Later when Wonshik check his phone he saw a message from Hakyeon. 

"I know you don't like what you see in me anymore and you're disappointed with me. But this is my new normal now. Maybe someday I'll feel something again and I'll try to make it up to you guys, but right now it's a huge relief not to feel any emotions. It was too hard. Losing it put things in perspective. I know I can't get you to understand how free I feel now that I've decided not to fake things anymore. I am sorry about the effect it's had on you guys. Things could have gone better. For the time being it's probably best we give each other space. I believe in you guys. You'll do fine without me. Fighting!"

. . .

Hyuk turned rather cranky after the cameras for their 'going away party' filming were put away. They were doing the filming early because there were potentially going to be scheduling conflicts later. "That isn't Hakyeon Hyung. That's some weird changeling, doppelganger thing." He didn't want to talk about it, but it scared the shit out of him to lose their leader in plain sight. 

Prior to the incident their oldest had been growing more and more tired, his fake smile had become a default, petty fights kept breaking out, his anxiety and spacing out had become too frequent. Hyuk wished he would have done something before the final drop. Anything to show that he did, in fact, care. Instead they got a rude awakening. 

They had been off to some magazine photoshoot in the countryside. When the rest of the Vixx was piling out of the van Hakyeon sat motionless in the front seat. At first they didn't notice anything, thinking he had just stayed to finish something on his phone. Fifteen minutes later they couldn't find him on site and it took another hour until someone found him walking alongside the highway, no shoes, no coat, feet bleeding from something he had stepped on. He didn't seem to notice the pain or the steady trickle from the cuts. He didn't say any words after that either, no matter what kind of coaxing or shouting was directed at him. When they took him into the ER to get his feet patched up a doctor had pulled them aside in the waiting room saying they were going to admit him for psychological reasons and keep him for a few days to monitor his behavior. They were worried about him engaging in potential self-harm.

A few days later their manager pulled them to the side to tell them Hakyeon would be taking time off. Since they were mostly doing individual schedules at the time it wouldn't be as noticeable and he could be left in peace. The media would leave him alone if they claimed it was vacation before enlisting. All of the boys tried to reach out to him, all with different levels of bad reactions. They chewed him out for trying to run away, for scaring them and again chewed him out when he announced he was moving out.  
They had sat in Hyuk and Wonshik's room as Hakyeon packed up and moved out, feeling stung from the fact that he was abandoning them. It was bad logic because they wanted him to stay, but they also wanted him to hurt like they were.

And now today they had filmed a sendoff with an eerily calm shell. He looked the part, talked the right way, he looked believable on camera. But he had also hung back when they played games, silently ate the barbeque staff had put in front of them and when he was supposed to say something to the fans it just sounded like mindless memorization. As a joke they had crowned Hyuk to be the interim leader and even though they had encouraged him to give Hyuk leader-ly advice it all sounded very impersonal. Off camera he didn't make conversation with them and even though they all hugged him he didn't hug back.

On impulse when Hyuk saw him slip out the door to leave for the day he followed him. He quickly slid into his car's passenger side seat much to Hakyeon's alarmed confusion. "Hyuk-ah? What are you doing?"

"I-...I don't know. Going with you I guess. I'll text the guys so they don't freak out." He fished out his phone before buckling himself in. Hakyeon drummed his fingers on the steering wheel feeling conflicted. 

"I'm not exactly riveting company. There is nothing I want to talk about with you." He remarked sourly. 

Hyuk turned to face him with determination. "I need to find out who the hell you are and what you did with my Hyung. Just drive."

Hakyeon gave him a stern incredulous look and Hyuk shifted his gaze out the window with falling confidence. "You're still a part of Vixx and you made me the leader, so you have to listen to me." He said with as much bravado as he could muster. Hakyeon snorted and started up the car. 

"If you are expecting something out of this don't bother getting your hopes up." He relented. 

. . .

Since Hakyeon wasn't invested in keeping up conversation with him, Hyuk just let his eyes wander around the apartment he hadn't been to yet. They were silently eating sushi and Hyuk was wracking his brain for things to say or ask. Hakyeon had been right about being shit company. "Hyung…what do you plan to do when you get out of the military?"

"Don't know. I'm not really worried about planning ahead. It's still a mystery about where my head will be in two years' time."

"Where…..is it now?-I mean, I me-, no I don't mean, it's just I meant-" Hyuk stumbled over his question, not really knowing what he meant by it. 

"Relax. It's just enjoying a simple life. That's all. I'm still trying to untangle what happened so I'm just keeping things as simple as possible."

"Oh" Hyuk was embarrassed but happy he didn't set Hakyeon off. "Will you talk to us when you do? I can't speak for the others, but-"

"We'll cross that bridge when we get there. Until then, don't expect anything."

"Oh…ok." Hyuk accepted, sounding like a kicked puppy. Hakyeon didn't feel like caring about addressing Hyuk's insecurities though. He was an adult, he could figure out his own shit. Hakyeon wasn't going to go back to trying to do that for the both of them. His new life strategy was to address one problem at a time and it wasn't Hyuk's turn.

They both startled at the sudden knock on the door. Hakyeon got up to check it out and a moment later he was returning to the table with Jaehwan behind him. Out of habit Hakyeon sectioned out some sushi for their new addition. 

"Hey Hyung, what are you doing here?" Hyuk asked timidly. Jaehwan didn't seem mad that Hyuk was fraternizing with Hakyeon, but maybe he was saving his anger for later. 

"I just wanted to give you these Hyung and apologize about Hongbin barging in here. If I hadn't lost it he wouldn't have gone on a rampage." Jaehwan handed Hakyeon some ticket vouchers to his musical. He sniffled, but then pulled himself together. "If you don't want to come I understand, but if you do please come say hi to me. It would make me really happy." He invited with a watery smile. Hyuk found it endearing and rubbed his hyung's back. He looked back over at Hakyeon to check his response and froze when he saw a single tear run down his face. He accepted the tickets and whispered "I'll think about it." He seemed so small as he zoned out looking at the tickets as if he were trying to decipher some kind of code. 

"Thanks Hyung." Jaehwan squeaked out, losing the battle to contain his tears. Shortly after he herded Hyuk out the door to go home with him and it made Jaehwan feel hopeful when he hugged Hakyeon goodbye and the elder leaned into him this time.

. . .

"Hyung I don't think we should release this song. It's too obvious that it's about Hakyeon Hyung." Hyuk protested. 

"Roast him. He deserves it. " Hongbin grumbled from the other side of the couch. 

Wonshik shook his head in disagreement with the maknae. "The people won't know. The incident never went public."

"But if we want to smooth things over how do you think he'll react?" Hyuk tried again. 

"This might be our only way to get through to him. I don't know how else to do it."

"Psh, Wonshik, Hakyeon isn't paying attention to us anymore. I bet 100,000 won he won't go see any of Jaehwan Hyung's plays." Hongbin sassed. 

"Oh whatever. This song will be a chart topper. You know it's good. He'll have to hear it somewhere." Wonshik retorted. 

Taekwoon drifted in from the kitchen with a big plate of snack for them. "I'm with Hyukkie on this one. We've all tried reaching out to him, well, minus Hongbin-." Hongbin sneered and stuck out his tongue before interrupting.

"I did too in the beginning. Not my fault he's being an ass hat."

Taekwoon rolled his eyes and continued. "My point is that we've tried so if he does want to come back and talk it out he'll do it when he's ready. We have other songs we can use for the comeback."

Wonshik sighed heavily "So the last vote comes down to Jaehwan Hyung?"

"Sounds fair I guess." Taekwoon relented. The whole thing was leaving Hyuk with an anxious knot in his stomach. It didn't feel right. Jaehwan came home from his schedule a half hour later "Hi guys. Ooh snacks! So what did I miss?" After much debating and still feeling conflicted Jaehwan voted to go ahead with the overly personal lyrics. 

Hyuk hated this. Maybe he should just go enlist too. When he vented about it later to Taekwoon, he just hugged him and told him to have some faith. Regardless of what they did the ball was in Hakyeon's court and they needed to keep living their lives. They shouldn't have to fearfully tip toe around their leader's emotional mine field. "Oh wait, you're the leader now." Taekwoon teased. With his chin still perched on Taekwoon's shoulder he inquired as to whether that came with veto power. Taekwoon decided it would be wise to shoot that idea down lest he get too cocky. He was still the maknae after all. He didn't want to spend the entirety of his last comeback before enlistment in yaja time. 

. . .

Wonshik kept looking around as their instructor introduced the new choreography. Something was off. It wasn't long before they were all trailing off, coming to the same realization. The choreo was meant for six people. The instructor chastised them for being so sluggish. 

Wonshik wasn't going to have it. "Look, there are five of us. We need to reconfigure this so it looks right."

"No, look it's normal to leave room in the formations so that when members do get back they can just jump back in. It's probable that when you have a full unit again you'll all be preforming it together. It looks fine. Let's get back to it." She claimed, naturally ignorant of their discord. 

"We need a sec." He said rubbing at his face wearily. This irked the instructor, but again Wonshik was on edge. He gave her look that dared her to defy him before gathering the boys into a huddle. 

"Didn't see that one coming." Taekwoon remarked with concern as he crossed his arms. 

"What do you guys want to do?" Wonshik asked. "I'm in favor of telling her to cut out the bullshit and tweak the routine so it looks right. If we truly do need the six person choreo we'll learn it then." There weren't any arguments. They didn't want to make Hakyeon perform his own too personal song anyway. Wonshik was starting to think that maybe it had been a bit impulsive of him to insist on using that specific track, but it felt like a part of him now. He didn't want to back down and throw away his emotions. Emotions weren't a burden. They made him human. 

"Ok, it's decided. Hyukkie would you go let her know?" Wonshik requested.

"Wait, what? Why me?"

"I'm not exactly her favorite person right now. From now on you're the leader, you have to speak for us." Wonshik teased.

"Ha, ha very funny." Hyuk sneered. 

Wonshik changed his tone. "Please Hyukkie, out of all of us you're probably the one that can talk to her most tactfully. We’re idiots that aren't good at smoothing out ruffled feathers." 

For a moment Hyuk looked apprehensive instead of reassured. "But I'm too young to lead old idiots." All of the hyungs groaned and kicked him out of the huddle as he walked away laughing. 

"Smooth." Taekwoon murmured to Wonshik in amusement.

"I'm not wrong though. You couldn't talk your way out of a paper bag." He countered, thankful for the maknae's teasing to lighten the mood. 

"I don't think that metaphor actually makes sense, so yeah, you’re right. We're all idiots." Hongbin added as he threw his arm around the rappers shoulders and waited for Hyuk to appease and convince the instructor to make the adjustments. Their sweet little devil maknae pulled it off. 

Later as they munched on dinner Jaehwan asked "So what did you tell her anyway?"

"Some sob story about how much of a hole Hakyeon had left in our lives. Stuff like we were having trouble adjusting, we didn't realize how much he did for us, blah, blah blah. We would struggle less if we didn't have such a visual reminder that we couldn't fall back on him. That kind of thing. Hook, line and sinker." Hyuk explained. He was always eerily casual about toying with other people's emotions.

"Gross. We can function without him. We aren't snot nosed toddlers that need him to wipe our asses." Hongbin grumbled.

"Dude we're eating, can you not?" Taekwoon looked at him pointedly. Hongbin smirked in amusement, but said no more. He missed it when Taekwoon stared at the empty chair to his left. A Hakyeon shaped hole. Taekwoon felt so conflicted about everything. He was mad at him, worried about him, missed him. Taekwoon felt so guilty about the bitterness that gripped at him. The depression wasn't something Hakyeon had asked for. Depression distorted everything. He just wanted his friend back, but it all depended on Hakyeon finding his way out of the distortion. If he could read his friend's mind would his thoughts even make sense?

"Hyung?" Wonshik was the first to notice the eldest's melancholy. Upon being address tears slipped out of Taekwoon's eyes, surprising even himself.

"Sorry, don't know what just happened there. I'm fine."

"Oh, no, no, no, no you don't. Don't start doing that. It's what started the whole mess in the first place. Talk, it's ok. We're listening." Hongbin insisted.

"Would you guys get mad at me if I said that I miss him?"

"A little." Hongbin deadpanned. Taekwoon looked further crestfallen. "Hyung, I'm kidding. We all do. I don't want to, he's been a major jerk, but I do miss him too. I wouldn't mind punching him in the face a few more times though." Taekwoon snorted and softly swatted at him. 

Hongbin couldn't bring himself to tell the elder he had no intention of ever fully letting Hakyeon back into his life. Even if Hakyeon rejoined Vixx Hongbin wouldn't be extending him any courtesies. But the two oldest Vixx members had always been close to each other. He wasn't so heartless as to condemn Taekwoon for mourning their separation. He could feel Taekwoon's relief in the way he held himself despite struggling to compose himself. "Hyung, we're eating, don't drip snot on your rice." Hongbin teased and Taekwoon sputtered a wet laugh.

. . .

"Morning Hakyeon-ssi. It's only been two weeks, but it feels like forever huh?"

"Hello Dr. Kang. I brought some ginseng tea for you. Hopefully that kills off the last of your flu." 

"Ah, that sounds wonderful. Let's have some." The psychiatrist gratefully accepted the gift and did the preparations.

Hakyeon patiently plunked down on psychiatrist's couch until he received a cup of tea from the elder. The old man barely had any time to settle his lap top open before Hakyeon began. "Out of four depression three, anxiety one, irritability…three. I weigh 65kg's this morning." He reported while slipping on the blood pressure/ heart rate cuff. The doctor rolled his eyes fondly. "Slow down smart ass. I'm not as tech savvy as you millennials." He admonished as he typed the information in. Once those stats were recorded he asked "And if you had to expose your body would we find any cuts or injuries?"

Hakyeon's face crumpled into a frown. "No. I wasn't cutting to begin with. Please stop asking that one."

"Sorry kiddo. Obligated to by the hospital." The old man smiled apologetically as he set his laptop off to the side. 

"That doctor was an inexperienced neophyte that got me landed with stigmatizing label. They really shouldn't let people be so quick to judge. These things have consequences for the patients." He grumbled.

"True, but he was an ER doctor. Quick judgements are something they usually need. He should have diagnosed you differently yes, but I think he went with his judgement because he didn't want to take any chances on letting you get hurt."

Hakyeon huffed a sigh. "I know. Maybe change irritability to a four for this morning." He relented and ran his hand over his face. 

"Any reason? In our last appointment you had it at a two."

"My members are just- I don't know. I don't have any good words for them."

"They don't have to be good words."

"Ok, emotionally pathetic. Whiney. Self-entitled. Clingy one minute, lashing out the next." The doctor fixed him with a stare that showed admonishing skepticism. Ok maybe he had given Hakyeon too much leeway.

"Like I said, change it to a God damn four." He tried to mellow out and folded his sweater clad arms in front of himself.

"Something happened."

Hakyeon decided to forgo talking about Hongbin's home invasion stunt and went with the only other interaction. "We had to film that stupid going away party ridiculously early. There is still a lot of time before my enlistment date, but whatever. It was technically an event for me, but it wasn't really actually for me. It was just getting a liability out of the way. I get it, but it sucked being around the chaos and busy-ness again. You should hear the way these people talk, as if being stressed out was something to be proud of. The way everyone acted was just really stifling. When I'm around them it feels like I'm not allowed to change, like I have to be the same way as them. It's like how dare I take care of myself. At least I haven't been bugged by any one at my company for anything this week." Hakyeon picked at his phone case absentmindedly as he spoke, his gaze focused there and not at Dr. Kang. The mechanics of the band's fall out was still a bit of a mystery to Dr. Kang. He couldn't tell if the members were a symbol of his burn out and that's why he shunned them or if they did actually play a part in heckling him. Whenever he would vent he would say it was about his band mates, but it seemed like a blanket term for the company.

"So you've been keyed up from it for a week?"

"Roughly. I felt like a foreigner just watching from the side lines. I guess I just really can't relate anymore. And my members are mad about that."

"That's a pretty normal sentiment of my patients who are trying to work their way out of bad situations. Have you told your members you feel this way?"

"There wouldn't be any point."

"So it's better to just be distant and angry?"

"What? As opposed to close and angry?"

"Just curious about your reaction is all I meant."

"Oh…"

"It sounds like you should try focusing on something else for a while that will let off some steam. Any ideas?"

"No. I hit a wall when I try to think of what I want to do. I kinda wish my enlistment date was sooner. I'm bored. I still feel like I'm stuck."

"Doesn't have to be big. A new hobby or exercise routine. That way you aren't trapped on your couch. Something to get you out of the house for a while. The more movement you get the less trapped you'll feel."

"I guess."

Dr. Kang decided to shift gears. "How's your social life been aside from the filming?"

"I had dinner with my parents the other night and talked to my sister on the phone for a while a couple days ago."

"And the rest of the time you are alone?"

"It's not all that bad. I like the quiet." Dr. Kang gave Hakyeon a stern look.

"Dr. Kang, I know you want me to be more social but I'll be inundated with social when I enlist. I'll have to be around people practically 24/7."

"The reason I push you to do it is because being around people is a natural thought clarifier. It keeps you grounded to reality and untangles your thoughts, slowing down enough to explain things fully helps you sort out your reasoning on things. And saying things out loud to another person forces you to use different vernacular than what you use in your head, makes you realize what's obvious and what's not, what you can expect of others and what you can't. All of that helps you question your thoughts and in your condition questioning your thoughts is your treatment. Before you were dragged from thing to thing feeling helpless and tired, right?"

"Yeah"

"You control the pace now. You've gotten rest. You've learned what's healthy and what isn't. You mood is getting regulated. Now that all of the harmful factors have been removed all that's left is to untangle your thoughts a bit. In the stage you're in you still need to verbalize that stuff."

Hakyeon just pouted. The psychiatrist laughed. "Oh, you're going to hate this. Your assignment this week is to either make a new friend and try to get beyond small talk or contact an existing friend and have a deep conversation." Hakyeon looked away like a sullen teenager.

"Has it been an hour yet?"

"Let's talk about your medication and then you can go." 

Hate felt like an understatement. Hakyeon didn't want to be reminded about anything he had walked away from. And no matter who he talked to the past always came up and people always questioned why he threw his passions away. Dr. Kang made it sound easy. Asshole. Hakyeon wanted nothing to do with strong emotions ever again.

. . .

Taekwoon stood on an abandoned road in the grassy, yellowed country side. It was a snowless winter day. Somehow it was sunny, but dark and stormy at the same time. For some reason he couldn't stop Hakyeon from walking even though normally he could have just picked him up and physically restrained the zombie-esque dancer. His friend looked almost skeletal and his feet looked grotesquely cut up on stray pieces of glass like they were filming voodoo doll all over again and the make-up artist had gone off the deep end. Hakyeon's vacant stare snapped to enraged alertness and gouged Taekwoon with the intensity of the switch. Then he felt like he was falling and on jarring impact woke up in a cold sweat. He was confused about why he was in a panic to find his phone and before he thought it through he was listen to ringing. The panic didn't end when Hakyeon picked up.

"Woonie, it's two in the morning. What do you want?" Hakyeon sleepily slurred.

"I need to come over."

"Wha? Why?"

"I-I-I'll be there in twenty minutes so- yeah-…be awake."

The whole time on his way over Taekwoon couldn't come up with any logical reason for why he would be forcing his way into his friend's house when it had been made clear none of them were welcome. But he couldn't get over the impulse either. As soon as he opened the door Taekwoon was crashing into him and constricting him in a desperate hug. Hakyeon could just barely hit the edge of the door with his fingertips to close it. Taekwoon seemed completely incoherent and it made Hakyeon panic a bit. "Taekwoon, why are you crying? What's wrong?" He started listing things that could be wrong, but Taekwoon just shook his head for each one until he told Hakyeon to shut up. There were those strong emotions Hakyeon didn't want to feel. He felt a little disgusted with himself that he thought of Taekwoon as a plague bearer come to spread soul crushing contagions. Maybe that's why he didn't push Taekwoon away. He felt ok with forgetting some of past as long as he could get Taekwoon back to stability. It was all so intense and the only word he could think of was human as he gripped Taekwoon to him tightly. Hakyeon gently rocked him and made comforting shushing sounds for what felt like hours, thought it was probably a half hour max. 

When Taekwoon finally pulled back a bit he squished Hakyeon's cheeks. "Oh, thank God you are eating." He proclaimed before adhered himself, less tearfully, back into Hakyeon's bewildered arms. 

"Yes? I have food? I eat? Why? Are you hungry?" Hakyeon sputtered in confusion. Taekwoon just laughed and didn't explain. He nuzzled his head against Hakyeon's shoulder so he could look at the other man's feet, relieved to find them logically free of any gore. Hakyeon found himself chuckling too as he went back to rocking Taekwoon. "Weirdo." It felt like another forever before Taekwoon seemed willing to let go. 

"So are you going to tell me what that was all about?"

It seemed to be impulse day because Taekwoon just gave him a cheeky smirk. "No, I'm going to make us pancakes."

"O-kaaaayyy. Don't burn down my kitchen." Was all the disgruntled apartment owner could think to say. Taekwoon scoffed and shot him a brief glare. Hakyeon stood on the other side of the counter as he watched Taekwoon get to work. "It's three in the morning. Don't you have a schedule tomorrow?" He asked in confusion. Taekwoon halted and looked away. He tapped the stick of butter he was holding on the edge of the counter in thought before looking up at Hakyeon. He tried for an innocent grimace. Saying no would be an obvious lie so he just went back to cooking. 

"You're going to get in trouble." Hakyeon reminded him blandly. 

Taekwoon stifled a hurt expression and instead just blurted. "What have you been up to?" in a failed attempt to sound casual. Expressing himself was a bit hit or miss at the best of times and now distant and annoyed Hakyeon was back. 

"Nothing much……why?" The look of suspicion Hakyeon was giving him was make him feel like he was having a meltdown. His brain was becoming obnoxiously silent when he tried to work out what to say. Taekwoon just gaped at him like a stupefied goldfish before looking back at the pan with a nervous gulp. 

"Taekwoon…" Hakyeon inquired in a stern tone.

This wasn't right. Taekwoon felt a flash of that intense snap from his dream and responded with it, rounding on Hakyeon. 

"I miss you ok! You've been by my side for the last eleven years and it feels like I'm missing a lung when I dance or sing or even just breath! Fucking hell it hurts! I'm having dreams that make it hurt worse! It feels like I'm re-living loosing you every day! I can't take it! I can't take it anymore Hakyeon! I'm going crazy! Why do you have to make it feel like it's a fucking crime to miss you! The least you can do is tell me what you've been up to, like what you've been reading or watch or something just so that I get to hear it from you and not fucking Instagram or fucking twitter!" Hakyeon at least had the decency to look ashamed as he came around the counter to take the pan off of the stove and turn the burner off. 

He pulled Taekwoon's head to his shoulder again, and sifting his fingers through the other's dyed hair, murmured. "I've been reading x book series and a little while ago I binged watched x. It was really good. It had me crying like a baby, in a good way. And I go to the park sometimes because I'm weird and I think it's fun to feed the ducks that live at the pond. I've been furniture shopping and decorating. I've been trying to get better at cooking. It's usually a fifty/ fifty shot on whether the recipe turns out or not. I've been going outside more and letting myself get more tan. I post selcas without wearing any make up. I write. I go to therapy and try to not get angry when my therapist asks me invasive questions that I don't want to answer and keeps giving me advise I don't want. Sometimes it helps, but some of it is too painful to touch yet."

"This is stupid, but you don't have glass in your feet right?"

"Um, no. No glass. My feet are fine. Where is that coming from."

"In my nightmares your feet look like they've got the voodoo doll mv's prosthetics on."

"Nope, see." Hakyeon showed Taekwoon the bottoms of his bare feet and Taekwoon smiled and squished Hakyeon's cheeks again. Hakyeon couldn't help laughing and let Taekwoon cup his face and stare at Hakyeon's face with a warm expression. But it wasn't for long. Taekwoon looked crestfallen as he nuzzled his forehead to Hakyeon's.

"I'm so sorry we made it so hard to stop. I-I thought if I pushed you it would help you get out of your slump but I made it worse. I made you hate me. Please don't hate me. Can we please be friends again? And eat pancakes and feed ducks and do whatever other old man hobbies you're doing these days? Hell we could feed the ducks pancakes. Please. I want to make pancakes for you and the ducks. Please…" Taekwoon whined desperately. 

How could he say no to Taekwoon's quirky request. He was a sucker for cute things and the dumb smile it would put on Taekwoon face would be too priceless. "Taekwoon-ah, Taekwoon-ah, shu, shu, shu. Yes, we'll do it. On one condition."

"Anything."

"We wait until it's light out. I think it would piss off the ducks if you throw pancakes at them while they're trying to sleep." Both men dissolved into fits of bitter sweet giggling. 

. . .

"You're looking at Taekwoon Hyung like he stole your Naruto headband. What's up?" Jaehwan badgered the maknae who was watching a smiley Taekwoon texting during their water break.

"I'm jealous." 

"It's ok Hyukkie, we know the recipe to get back on Hyung's good side. You just show up at his place at two in the morning sobbing and eke out a tearful apology. And something about feeding sleeping ducks. I wasn't really paying attention."

Hyuk gave him a morose look. "I don't think he'll fall for it twice. Taekwoon Hyung was having the hardest time with it out of all of us. I don't think I could out do him."

"Oh…maybe not." They both sullenly watched the elated eldest quietly for a while.

"No, what did it was the sincerity. I'm not ready to try it myself." Jaehwan said darkly.

"Is it about the musical?" Hyuk asked in confusion. Jaehwan side eyed him with a sneer.

"It would be easier if that's all it was. Though it was a slap in the face to find out he gave the tickets away."

"How'd you figure that out? Isn't that some pretty extreme monitoring?"

"Everything is numbered and recorded. It didn't really take that much work to figure it out. The vouchers got used and it wasn't Hakyeon in the seats. But really it goes a lot farther. I don't have the energy to do all the hoop jumping to earn back his love, especially if he isn't going to meet me in the middle. I get it. I was stubborn and angry that he ran off and I said some stupid stuff but at least I spoke my mind. He wouldn't even do that for us. He has to do that first before I'll make any effort."

"Maybe…he couldn't."

"What do you mean?"

"You weren't there for it when he went on his psychobabble rant when he got after Wonshik Hyung for not helping with the dishes, were you?"

"No, I just heard it was ugly."

"He was making no sense and he was getting so frustrated with himself that he looked like he was going to rip his hair out. I don't think it was about the dishes at all. I think he was trying to get help from him. Trying to let him know he needed attention and stress relief. It's stupid, but I think he just wanted Wonshik Hyung to keep him company while he did the dishes. He cried when he stumbled over his words and Wonshik Hyung got mad and stormed out. I don't blame him. Hakyeon Hyung was accusing him of being inconsiderate, but in hind sight it makes sense. I think he literally had brain damage for a while there. I wonder if it's permanent…"

"Are you saying we chewed out a retard."

"That's not P.C. at all, but I guess, kinda."

"You're too smart for your own good."

"Huh?"

"You make the rest of us look like neanderthals. I love you for it though." Jaehwan gave the maknae a quick, but bone crushing hug as they got called back to practice. A sheepish smile spread across Hyuk's face as a result.

. . .

Hakyeon's phone kept pinging during his therapy session and it had him ripping out the battery in frustration.

"You can get that if you want. I don't mind." Dr. Kang permitted.

"No, it's just Jaehwan being a pain. We kinda have this Anna Elsa thing going on right now."

"How so?" The psychiatrist asked in amusement.

"Instead of snowmen it's movies. He keeps saying things like 'I'm sorry Hyung. I didn't realize you had brain damage.' 'Come over and watch movies' 'we don't have to talk if you don't want. We can just sit in awkward, blissful silence'. His words not mine. Now he's just sending me sappy song lyrics. It's a good thing he has a busy schedule and can only do it for short windows or else I would have to murder him."

"He sounds like an idiot."

"Big time."

"You only have minor brain damage. Nothing to worry about. The brain is a highly adaptable organ."

"I'm going to pretend you didn't say that."

"Is he the same one who starred in that play you gave me tickets for?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, he was really good. But I'm not surprised that he's an idiot in real life too. What did you think when you went to see it with Taekwoon?" The other Vixx member had supplied him with his spare and Hakyeon didn't really have anyone else to give his to at the time.

"It was good. Really funny. I felt weird being there though. I know you wanted me to go congratulate him afterward, but there were other celebrities there I didn't want to run into."

"Including Jaehwan?"

Hakyeon begrudgingly sighed "Yes. He's annoying and has no filter. I know we would have just fought. It wouldn't have been worth it."

"It seems like he's really trying though." Dr. Kang pointed to the dismantled cell phone next to Hakyeon.

"I give it two more days before he gives up."

"Will you give him a chance if he doesn't? He might try to shape up like Taekwoon."

"No….I'm not ready."

"Ah, I see. And how are things going with you and Taekwoon."

"Good" Hakyeon was frowning though.

"But?"

"I get a high when I'm hanging out with him, but the low when he's gone is really unpleasant. Is that something meds can level out or do I just have to deal with it?"

"We can try a higher dose……there's more isn't there?"

"No, it's just…I don't want to be happy. I don't want to be anything." Dr. Kang looked contemplative and uncertain.

"Define…happy."

"I don't know. Good I guess."

"Elated? Peaceful? Entertained? Chummy? Loved? Taken care of for once?"

Hakyeon's dropped to destitute blankness. Tears were welling up and he couldn't pinpoint why. All he knew is that this was too uncomfortable.

"Are you worried about the highs and lows? Like if you feel good it will only lead to feeling bad later?"

Hakyeon swallowed thickly. "That's how it's been going." Dr. Kang handed Hakyeon a box of Kleenex and waited. 

"Having friends is like having drugs around…but in the end I'll be the toxic one."

"How so?"

"Things were good with Vixx for a long time. But I screwed it up when I couldn't keep up anymore. I dragged them down with me and the only way to make it better for them was to leave. Taekwoon and Jaehwan are both so happy-go-lucky. I feel like throwing up when I remember I could do it again. It's so hard being happy. I have enough trouble figuring out my shit so that I don't poison Taekwoon. I'm not ready to add another one. Especially since it would be harder with Jaehwan because he's more confrontational. I'd rather just continue to ignore him and not feel anything." 

"You said things were fine with Vixx for a long time. Things got poisonous when you got sick. You aren't sick anymore. You aren't in a position to throw yourself back into that life style that would make you that way either. I think there is a small hole in your logic."

"I don't want to risk it right now though. They are working on a comeback. That's usually a pretty delicate stage to be in. I'm not stable enough to interact with them and not reopen old wounds. They need to be focusing, not nursing wounds…Things between Taekwoon and me are simple and he accepts me for what I am. We didn't have to recover from a screaming match. He legitimately missed me and never meant any harm. Maybe it's the same with the others, but it's still so raw. It would be dangerous to reach out to them right now. Going over to sit around in awkward silence to watch a movie sounds like a recipe for a fight."

"I won't argue with you. It sounds like you've thought that through. But I will warn you that it can be just as poisonous to assume you know what someone is thinking and how they feel….Tell you what this week's assignment is to seek peace. Screw happy. Happy is just hyper and that won't help. Being content is more manageable right?"

"I guess"

"Good, now let's talk about how things are going with your meds."

. . .

Hyuk chucked the thick paper at Wonshik. "You've got to be joking. There is no way we're putting a bloody foot print on our album cover."

Wonshik pouted. "But…I thought we were all good with the running from werewolf monster things concept."

"Too literal. Can't we just do a black cover with creepy eyes or something?"

Taekwoon gave Hyuk an admonishing look. "Relax Hyuk, it's just one of the many ideas here. Since you don't like it put it in the 'no' pile. Besides I already took all of the eye ones out because it was too cliché." 

Hongbin gave him an apologetic grimace. "He's right. We've already done monster eyes in other things."

Hyuk quickly scanned the proposed designs before just picking up one at random. "Fine, whatever. Let's just do this." 

"Caution, beware of dog." Taekwoon read blandly, not looking entirely convinced. It didn't have any of the artful finesse they preferred. Jaehwan laughed and did his dog impression which made Hongbin jump as he had done it right behind him. He bopped Jaehwan on the head with the mock-up he was holding. "What about this one? It's got an interesting Americana vibe."

"Different world cultures was kinda over done last year." Taekwoon critiqued. 

"Oh" Hongbin looked disappointed but didn't seem to be offended. Unlike Hyuk.

"What? What's wrong with beware of dog?" He demanded petulantly. 

"Serious? Go take a look at our previous album covers and tell me that fits." Taekwoon teased.

"It's better than rock your body." Jaehwan added mirthfully and Hongbin groaned. 

"Don't remind me. Or him. Don't go looking that far back." Hyuk tossed it back on the table and shuffled out of the room with his hand jammed in his pockets.

"We didn't mean literally!" Hongbin called after him. "Who wants to do it?"

"Sounds like you do." Taekwoon gave him a wry smile.

"It's dangerous being maknaes in this group." Hongbin said with stank face as he trailed after Hyuk to go smooth things over. 

"Hyung, you've been around him, is the foot print really that bad?" Wonshik asked Taekwoon as he held up the cover art Hyuk had rejected. 

"I like it visually. I understand why Hyuk is so cautious, but Hakyeon's not sensitive to it. I told him about the nightmares I was having and he doesn't seem to mind when I squish his cheeks or poke at his feet."

"When you do what?" Jaehwan asked in amused confusion. 

"Well…it's just I like doing it and I think it shows him I'm happy when he's eating well and he's aware of his surroundings." Taekwoon muttered. 

"Yup, that's not weird." Jaehwan teased.

"Have you been sleeping better?" Wonshik checked.

"Yeah, I feel a lot better. I think Hakyeon is doing better too. He's just taking things slowly. And Jae he's going to murder you if you send him any more frozen song lyrics. He feels bad, but he wants to take things slow so he doesn't do a shitty job of reconciling especially while we're busy. He's better, but he still has the insecurities of a depressed person. I try not to fight him on it too much. I don't think it would be helpful to be push him anymore." 

"So that's a no on the movie?" The vocalist puffed out his cheeks to do an aegyo pout. 

"Sorry, Jae. Give him some time."

"But it's been months since we've hung out. And me dropping off tickets doesn't count. Not like he used them though." Jaehwan trailed off. 

"I took him with me and since we had spares he gave them to his shrink." Taekwoon corrected conversationally, not thinking of it as big news. He was back to perusing art and didn't notice Jaehwan's dropped jaw and until he started squawking about how cruel they both were to not visit him back stage. Taekwoon laughed and tried to plead with him for forgiveness and after a lot of heckling on Jaehwan's part it was granted.

Taekwoon didn't like how slow going it was to lure Hakyeon back to them either. It felt like trying to earn the trust of a dog that had been abused all its life. It could be done if you knew proper handling and had patience, but the rest of Vixx was not experienced with dog rehabilitation. The metaphor would probably be lost on them. Now that he was back to speaking with Hakyeon he wasn't as worried about offending him, even having a change of heart with their title track. The lyrics and mv storyline had symbolism that was meant to comfort him. He could tell the guys wanted to make things work, but Taekwoon didn't think they were in the right head space to respect how Hakyeon wanted to live going forward. Slow and easy going was still hard for Taekwoon and he had become one of the more adaptable members.

. . . 

Wonshik could feel Hyuk's glaring eye glued to the back of his head, but was determined to not give him the satisfaction of noticing. He wasn't the only one doing creative decision making but Hyuk acted as if Wonshik was the only orchestrator and like he was being completely insensitive to Hakyeon. The song belonged to all of them, not just the absent leader. They were free to do what was meaningful to them and relatable for their fans. It dealt with abandonment and keeping their hearts open so the listener could have a safe place to be welcomed back to. It had diversity from a whispering lullaby to a frantic searching chase at the crescendo. It was his baby and he clung to it because it was the only way he could get himself to hold out for Hakyeon. It's how he wished things would have gone instead of their harsh argument about Hakyeon just giving up. He tried to act indifferent so he could focus on his work, but he thought about it constantly; weighing all the factors, the what if's, the what now's to try to predict how much hope he could have of their group staying together and staying together happily. 

Hongbin was supposed to record next, but he had realized there had been a mix up with his schedule and needed to leave sooner than expected. Wonshik groaned inwardly when Jaehwan and Taekwoon, who were done recording, decided they were going back to the dorm to make dinner instead of hanging out. He was stuck alone with their angry, bitter, little (big) evil maknae.

Wonshik watched the hyung's leave with tight lips then spun to finally face Hyuk. "What? Spit it out?"

"Well that was fast. I've hated every creative decision made on this album to date."

"Um, yeah…That really was fast. Let's get this over with." Hyuk watched warily as Wonshik grabbed a note pad and started writing on it. 

Album components  
-lyrics  
-song structure  
-message  
-emotions we want to invoke  
-choreography  
-originality  
-aesthetics  
\--mv storyline/concept  
\--promotional mediums  
\--art work and designs  
\--wardrobe  
\--promotional schedule

"There's more, but this is a rough outline. Take this. You can restructure it if you want. Write down what you want to do instead. NOT what you don't like, but don't have a suggestion on fixing. I'm not a mind reader or an endless fountain of solutions and I'm not making time for pointless, unconstructive arguments. We've already been there and done that. I'm not making any promises since most things have been decided by majority vote, but if it's good we'll revote. And stop looking at me like I'm not thinking of Hyung. I lost him. I don't know if I'm getting him back. This song is the only way I don't implode and wind up like him. Don't think for a second I'm going to let you fuck with that. Now get out." 

It was the most ferocious Hyuk had ever seen the rapper look. None of their performances came close to the seething rage aimed at him. It made him feel so rattled and…forsaken. Hyuk's eyes shone with defiant tears and he slammed the door behind him. It startled Eongdong awake and he moodily waddled over to Wonshik as if asking where everyone went. Wonshik picked him up and settled them both on the couch. The French bull dog lapped at his teary cheeks. "I'm really glad you don't talk back Eongdongie. I should make a song for you. I know whatever I make you'll like it. You're the only one around here who isn't an emotional train wreck." Instead of sleeping like he should have he wrote. He word vomited onto the pages of his notebook until he ran out of fucks to give. Still he wasn't going to give up on his emotions like Hakyeon did no matter how overwhelming they got.

. . . 

Hyuk was at a loss for what to do as he left the company building. He wadded up the list and threw it in the trash with as much malice as he could put into throwing weightless paper. It's not as if he didn't already have a running mental list of what he didn't like anyway. It wasn't two AM but maybe Hakyeon would give him refuge on his couch so that he didn't have to risk running into the rapper. When Hakyeon answered the door he was met with the crying giant maknae. "Not you too. Come here." He opened up his arms with a resigned smile. He held their baby member through all of Hyuk's incoherent apologies and loud sobs. He hoped this wouldn't happen with the other three. All the strong emotion made him antsy. When Hyuk's breathing returned to normal and he could clearly enunciate Hakyeon probed the situation. "What happened?"

"Sorry Hyung. Not yet. Can I just sleep on your couch? I promise I'll stay out of the way and not bug you. I'm-I'm sorry Hyung." Hakyeon stared incredulously as Hyuk started sobbing apologies again. "Good grief what am I going to do with you lot." He dragged Hyuk off to his bed and cuddled with him for the night. Before falling asleep he opened up their dusty group chat. 'If any other crying Vixx members try to come knocking on my door I'm not answering anymore. Y'all got issues.' He also texted Taekwoon to clarify that he had their lost lamb.

. . .

"So out of four how high is your-"

"Depression three, anxiety two, irritability ten."

"Oh shit…" Dr. Kang deadpanned. 

"I give our maknae an inch he takes a mile. Or in this case my couch."

"Do I want to know?"

"Are therapists allowed to say that?" 

"No, but that generally doesn't stop me."

"To clarify he showed up at my door last night bawling his eyes out and now he wants to live on my couch until he can enlist."

"What happened?"

"Apparently creative differences. And most disturbingly it's about stuff centered around me. I don't want to be stuck in the middle of this. I don't care what they do as long as they don't bother me. They could write a diss track about me for all I care. He tried to get my opinion on things but I told him if he said anything more I would call the cops to come extricate him. He's all muscle. I haven't been able to lift him for like…the last five years." Hakyeon explained with something between amusement and annoyance. 

"Are you sure you'd really be ok with a diss track?"

"We aren't like that. Our rapper wrote a diss track about people who write diss tracks."

"Ah, and aren't you just a little bit curious about what they are working on that would have crying friend number two so upset? So upset as to run away to the military?"

"I'm trying really hard to make Vixx not my problem. I'm trying really hard to convince Vixx they aren't my problem also. So that negates all curiosity." Hakyeon replied curtly. "And who am I to tell him he has to stay in a situation where he's not happy."

"Ok, let's zoom out though. Is this a good move for him in the long run?" Hakyeon contemplated the psychiatrist's question. 

"I don't know. The situation does feel pretty different from mine. It definitely wouldn't be well timed, but I'm not going to tell him what to do. Well, beyond telling him to get out of my apartment. There's nothing stopping him from taking my old room so that he and Wonshik don't have to share."

"If that's the case why did he come to you?"

"mm……I babied him too much when we were all together….that's probably why. Everyone used to call me the mom of the group."

"mm, I see."

"You look like you don't approve."

"Well…it's good that you are defending your boundaries…"

"But?"

"But it sounds like they're going to great lengths to reach out to you. Since you have an industry perspective on song writing I don't think you realize it's pretty rare to get a song written about you. How are you going to respond when people ask you about it when it's released? Your fans will probably want a word from you. Hakyeon I hate to say it, but being that it's a public thing you probably don't want to be completely taken by surprise." Dr. Kang reasoned. "How about we call it a day and you go talk to him?"

. . .

When Hakyeon came home Hyuk was cleaning for him. "What are you? Snow White? Who are you and where is Hyuk?"

Hyuk looked at him with guilty puppy dog eyes as he sunk into a chair. "Yup, I'm Snow White. Hyuk is off hiding from Wonshik so he doesn't have to record his part in the song."

Hakyeon sat in a chair across from him with a heavy sigh. 

"Are you going to kick me out?" Hyuk asked meekly and Hakyeon rolled his eyes. Hyuk's wording. He knew exactly what he was doing. 

"All right little Miss White talk. What is it about the song you don't like?"

Hyuk pulled up the song's guide track Wonshik had made and played it for Hakyeon. Hakyeon could see some of the allusions to himself, but it was still general enough that their fans could relate. He sat there neutrally. "Ok…what is it you want me to say here?" Hakyeon asked, cocking his head to the side blandly.

"What do you think of it Hyung?"

"The song? It sounds good. You guys will probably win some awards for sure. Honestly you had me a little worried with how big your reaction was, but I don't see what the big deal is. Or is there something I'm missing?" 

Hyuk blinked at him. "That's it?"

"Yes?" Hakyeon said with a hitch in his eye brows. "I'm lost, what are you looking for Hyuk?"

Hyuk sat back in his chair in moody exasperation. "Hyung" He whined. "An actual reaction! What's your answer to this? Are you ok with this getting released? Are you ok with the message we're sending you? Doesn't it make you feel anything at all? Mad? Sad? Happy? Anything?" 

Hakyeon gave Hyuk a sad smile. "I'll put it this way. I appreciate the sentiment. But I'm not going to return the same way I left. If that's what you're hoping for it's not going to work like that. I give my consent on releasing the song. As for our group behind the scenes, you've got this idea of what you think I am that doesn't really reflect what I am these days. The me I am these days doesn't care about showy or theatrical. I don't want a schedule. I don't care about pleasing people. All I want is simple, direct, honest."

"mm…Ok Hyung. I'm sorry." The maknae slumped dejectedly. He didn't really know what he was looking for either. 

"Don't worry about it. So is that why you were butting heads with Wonshik?"

"I feel ignored. I guess it's kinda everyone, but he's the one that shoots me down right away or acts like his word is law. And on top of that one minute they want me to be the sensitive tactful one and the next it seems like all my efforts to do that don't matter anymore and I'm over reacting. It's like I just can't get synced back up with everyone." 

"Sounds like you need a little break. Here, go put your shoes on. I want to go see my ducks."

"You sound like an old man….oh. Wait. One more thing. I also…I hate this album cover art they want to use." Hyuk offered his cell to Hakyeon to show him the bloody foot print. 

"Hm, kinda reminds me of that psychopath themed dance break I did with the blood splatter shirt. Does it fit with the rest of the aesthetics?" 

"So I'm the only one?"

"Seems like it. I wish I didn't come to mind when you see blood and gore. It was one time and it wasn't even on purpose. Look, see. Pretty skin." He took off his socks to reveal bare feet and even wiggled his toes as he had been doing to entertain Taekwoon. Dancing callouses were still there but his feet were otherwise smooth and neat. There weren't any scars. Hyuk leaned down to poke them and Hakyeon giggled. "You and Taekwoon are going to develop foot fetishes at this rate." Hyuk glared at him but squatted down like a moping child and continued to intermittently poke Hakyeon's feet.

"I don't want to go see the ducks." He muttered petulantly.

"No? I've even got these ridiculously adorable tiny pancakes Taekwoon makes for them."

"What the fuck?" Hyuk looked up incredulously. Hakyeon retrieved a gallon sized zip lock full of coin sized browned batter drips. "It seems like he just gets weirder and weirder as he gets older. I feel bad for the people at whatever nursing home he'll get stuck at." Hyuk grumbled.

"Oh come on. It's cute." Hakyeon smiled warmly as he put the bag away. He sat down at the dining table to put his socks back on. Hyuk scooted closer and picked up a socked foot and massaged it. "Wow, I think you might be worse than Taekwoon about the foot thing." Hyuk just shrugged with a concentrated frown. They both fell silent and Hakyeon observed the tired maknae as he vacantly worked his feet. Thinking about it, it did take a long time for Hyuk to run out of steam and tears the night before. Hakyeon smoothed out the younger's hair and murmured. "Hyukkie, do you really actually want to go into the military right now?"

Hyuk let out a long exhale as he switched to Hakyeon's other foot. "It's not the right time yet. But I don't own anything in this comeback. I feel stuck."

"You are the leader now. You can boss people around like I used to. As leader it isn't your job to make everyone happy. That's a big misconception. Also as leader you are allowed to take care of yourself and want things. You are allowed to do things that make you happy. There's no point otherwise. I made a serious mess trying to pretend I was happy and that I could keep my shit together." 

"I wish I could have gone into this comeback with that in mind."

"I'm sorry about how cold I was after the going away party. I still can't really do emotions. Even happy sucks."

"Is that why you don't want to be around us?"

"That and I don't want to spoil this comeback for you. I don't want it to become a bad memory for you. I can't deal with other people's expectations anymore. The stress already has a way with spreading hurt feelings without me making things more complicated for you guys."

"Too late. Feelings are already hurt."

"I'm sorry Hyukkie, I can't do anything about that. I can't solve it for you guys."

"It seems like no one can solve anything. Wonshik Hyung said I shouldn't complain unless I have a solution for the thing I don't like. It's not enough that I just don't like something. But even if I did come with some new stuff I don't think he'll care or like it."

"What if you each had a solo aspect? Like maybe each of you have a personalized aesthetic and have an artist add an effect that would blend them. Like you each got your own window. I suppose I'd even be willing to pose as a background piece so it still looks like I'm included without actually having to participate. You get one photoshoot with me so plan it well."

"So I could have my beware of dog and Hongbin Hyung can have his Americana thing."

"I have no idea what that means but sure."

"Would you be willing to do a tiny part in the mv? Like just like a twenty second little thing?"

Hakyeon let out a heavy exhale. "You're really pushing it."

"I'd make it up to you somehow."

"You have nothing I want. And I don't work for foot rubs." Hakyeon said wryly as he pulled his foot out of Hyuk's lap. 

"How about hugs?"

Hakyeon just gave him a narrow eyed look before swatting his head and telling him to leave and go back to work.

. . .

Hyuk felt like a happy gushing fountain as ideas started coming to him. An alternate ending for the mv story line with Hakyeon, a photoshoot that corresponded. A collage style album cover where everyone got their own piece to fill in. Personalized songs so everyone gets heard. Doing profiles on their monsters. Merch ideas. Putting Hakyeon's photo on promo material so it gave them a feeling of completeness. Even though it was supposed to be a secret invitation back for Hakyeon, not including his representation felt like they were outing him for his actions. That wouldn't be very welcoming. He finally felt like he had found the under lying cause of his discomfort and now he was ready to start over with Wonshik.

"Ok, I have some ideas." Hyuk announced to Wonshik. He felt like he was in a much better mood as he slid his list across the table in the company work room they had met up at.

Wonshik rubbed at his face as he read through it. He just looked tired and it made Hyuk nervous. Wonshik sighed as he set down the paper. "Hyuk, I really doubt Hyung will want to participate."

"He said he would do a little bit for us as long as we were really efficient about it. I think if we find a way to butter him up he'll do a small bit in the mv too."

"Did you play the song for him?" Wonshik asked with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah"

"…Ok. What happened? How'd he react?"

"Good, neutral I guess, so good. He said it would get a lot of attention."

"That's all?" Wonshik asked, looking annoyed with the lackluster response. 

"Yeah…I mean he said he appreciated the sentiment, but things were complicated with everyone's expectations. At the time it made sense to me, but I'm having trouble remembering his wording."

Wonshik contemplated Hyuk's list a little more, but something snapped. If Hakyeon didn't want to talk with them after hearing the title track then the album wasn't going to be for him after all. There was nothing that needed to be changed if it was only going to be for their fans.

"Look, Hyuk, this stuff would be really inconvenient to do and the timing isn't good. We don't have time for major changes right now. Dates are already set for photoshoots and filming. I don't think we could get this stuff arrange in time for that. You still need to record your part in the song and practice and you expect me to turn out five new solo pieces and rework the entire look. It's a little too late for this. The others don't have any problems with the way things are. It's just you, so cut it out."

Hyuk stared at him as if he sprouted another head. "I did what you wanted. I mapped it all out and I can do the work to make sure we're ready and don't waste time. We don't have to do all of this, it's just ideas. I just-"

"Hyuk, stop. It's too late." Wonshik's chair made a scraping noise as he stood to leave.

"But I did what you wanted! Hyung give me something!" He yelled in mortification, standing up just as fast.

"Hyuk we're practically finished planning and you want us to start over. I'm not screwing with that." 

Wonshik started walking away down the hall and Hyuk followed him. He wasn't going to let Wonshik just shove him to the way side. "For all the times you've gotten your perfectionist ways you aren't going to give me even just one little thing that will make me feel invested in something that's supposed to be for all of us? I have nothing in here right now. I'm not trying to mess with your precious song. I just want a piece of me somewhere in these promotions. Or is there really no room for me and what I think? And if we don't at least put Hyung's picture in here somewhere you're just going to make him look like a total ass."

"Shut up Hyuk. You don't need to be making a scene in front of all the staff."

"Then how do I get you to listen to me huh? I tried a civil conversation just now and you acted like I was a child that was getting in the way. I did what you wanted. Aren't you even going to acknowledge that? And I'm not ok with you making Hakyeon Hyung look like he's the black sheep who won't come home. It won't make sense! If we do it this way no one is the bad guy. It's supposed to be an accepting son-"

"Hyuk, enough!" You ARE a child that is getting in the-"

"Stop screaming you idiots! I could hear you all the way in my studio and people are trying to work here! Now get over here." Taekwoon growled threateningly. 

He shoved them into a conference room and shut the door. "Hyung tell him he has to-" Hyuk tried but Taekwoon hissed "Not another word until Jaehwan and Hongbin get here. We're settling this together. So chill the fuck out." He called the two, and half an hour later they apprehensively arrived. While they had waited for them Taekwoon had read Hyuk's list and started jotting it down on the white board in the room. Wonshik had scoffed and folded up to doze since Taekwoon wasn't letting them go. Hyuk sat blankly, trying not to reveal that his outraged adrenaline was causing his hands to shake uncontrollably. 

Jaehwan and Hongbin sunk into the closest seats with confusion and sensing danger they remained wordless. 

"Wonshik, you get one sentence to explain your side. Go" Taekwoon directed quietly, but strictly.

"Hyuk wants to make changes that we don't have time for and aren't necessary. We already agree on what we-"

"ERRRH! No. Done. Hyuk the same."

His head swam for a moment before he started with a shuddery breath "Things aren't quite right yet and some of these are easy fixes." He stated shakily. "I did things the way he asked and I just want to be allowed to contribute some-" He rushed knowing he would get cut off. Taekwoon's harshness was ebbing as he held his finger to his lips. Hyuk fell silent without needing to be yelled at.

"Jae, Bin. Do you have any questions about what they said?"

"I'm assuming that those are the easy fixes? whatever that means." Hongbin inquired as he pointed to the white board. Taekwoon nodded. 

Jaehwan took a quieter tone when he asked "Hyukkie? Why didn't you say so sooner?"

"I don't know. It just started out as little things, but the farther along we went they just all piled up. We don't have to do all of this, but I can't leave it the way it is now."

"Album prep overall?" Jaehwan asked. 

"Yeah" Hyuk confirmed with his head hung low. The two new comers studied the board, but their faces were twisted with concern and it didn't feel good. They all looked like they were having a hard time with coming up with words to say. They looked like they were about to talk to Hyuk several times, but at the last second would close their mouths and focus back on the white board. It made Hyuk fritz out and he stood to leave. "Hey, where do you think you're going? We haven't said anything yet and you were the one that brought this up." Hongbin said judgingly. 

"I just-I just want to go home. When I talk it doesn't seem to matter so I don't see the point in staying. Just don't automatically trash it all like that fucktard." Hyuk pointed at Wonshik then bolted.

Hongbin exhaled heavily. "Who wants to do it? I've gone after the criers the last few times so it's someone else's turn." Hongbin actually did want to go reassure the maknae, but he also wanted to go over the ideas too. He looked at the door with worry, but stayed put.

"Fuck him. I'm going back to my studio." Wonshik gritted as he stumbled to free himself from his chair. 

"Sit the fuck down." Hongbin commanded fiercely. "This isn't a solo album. It's all of us or we aren't doing it and you have two seconds to decide if you want to scrape the whole project or if you'll at least give Hyuk the common courtesy of letting him do something." Maybe some of what Hyuk had been doing the whole time had been a little childish but this was uncharacteristically cruel of Wonshik. Wonshik faltered and took more than two seconds before he sat back down, but at least he sat down. It was true that it would feel even more lopsided as a four person album and they had come this far. 

Someone had to begin and Taekwoon puffed out his cheeks in an exhale before he began. "I like a lot of these and solo songs would be a nice touch but I think it's late in the game to be changing the track list and I like the list we have right now. I think that's the only one that's completely undo-able on this album. You guys have a lot of solo time coming up so it's not really smart to jam it into here. Any devil's advocates on this?"

"That phrase seems oddly fitting in reference to Hyuk." Jaehwan said with a mirthful smirk. "But no, I agree with you."

"Hongbin?"

"Yeah I agree too. I feel bad shutting him down."

"He did say to just consider this stuff and that we didn't have to do all of it. I think we should at least do one thing on this list, but we should erase this one."

Hongbin looked over his shoulder "Wonshik, speak. Yes or No?"

"What do you think?" He sassed.

"Would you calm the fuck down? You look like he asked to shoot Eondongie out of canon." Hongbin shot back. Jaehwan snorted, but then quickly schooled his expression back to something more serious and quietly muttered "That would be bad, very bad. Not funny." 

Their discussion followed the same pattern with three of them thoughtfully examining each idea while Wonshik sullenly said no to everything, at that point mostly out of spite. He didn't know why. He was tired. It felt like every time they had something solid and locked in, one person would get upset and it would be sloshy all over again. Everything felt sloshy and fickle in his life. He was envious of anyone who managed to somehow make things simple and easy for themselves while he ran on his hamster wheel. He needed things to be under control again. He wasn't going to be Hakyeon. He used his pain to move him forward. He wasn't going to be destroyed by it.

. . .

Taekwoon paced in the hall as he talked to Hakyeon on the phone. They had taken a break so he could do it because this was the one idea they couldn't just do on their own. 

"Please, pretty please! The re-write he did for the mv is really…I don't know what to call it. Pretty. Poetic. Satisfying. Mm, yeah, yeah, satisfying."

"Ugh, You guys suck. What's his idea?"

"So the basic premise is still the same. It's us running from monsters out in the woods. Lots of flash light lighting, make up that makes us look beat up, we've already picked out some really good CGI artists to make the monsters. We'll all be trying to make our way toward this dilapidated cabin type place. But now instead of us getting there at the same time it would be individual shots of us running up to you in the cabin like you are keeping us safe from them. We run up and the monsters chasing us stop at the border of the yard like you have a barrier they can't get through. It would just be one night and you don't have to do any speaking parts. You just have to put up with us hugging you a few times. We'd get a quick photoshoot in too and then we won't make you do anything else. I mean, if you want to do more cool. We'd be happy to make that happen."

"Don't get ahead of yourself. Aesthetically I think less would be more. Do you think I should do something with my hair or do you think my military cut would be fine?"

"So you'll do it?!"

"Yes, you brat. I technically already told him I would so I guess I have to."

"You're so tsundere."

"Don't push your luck."

"Thank you Hakyeonie! I should get back to them so we can finish up. Oh, but I think your military cut would work well with the aesthetic so don't change it."

"Ok. See you later."

"See ya!"

Taekwoon re-entered the conference room with a beaming smile. "He'll do it?!" Jaehwan asked looking like an eager puppy.

"Yup."

"YAY!!!" Jaehwan hollered and started chattering on a hard to follow happy rant. 

"Yay." Hongbin added less enthusiastically as he started packing up. He is gentle smile betrayed his indifferent act. 

"Yeah, fucking whoopee." Wonshik said darkly and left the room.

"Yeesh" Jaehwan responded with a grimace. "What are we going to do about him? Hyuk will be satisfied but now Wonshik wants to throw us off a cliff."

"Maybe he….already guessed that Hakyeon would do this for us…I don't think he wants to see him. Either that or Hyuk insulted his entire family along with every hair style he's ever tried."

"I would say there's just a misunderstanding but Wonshik seems like he's going to go postal if someone even sneezes in his general direction." Jaehwan agreed. 

"I don't even know who to send after him." Taekwoon bemoaned. 

"For now, no one. That's suicide. Let's just go home and tell Hyuk what we got." Hongbin decided. Taekwoon trailed after them while texting.

. . .

Hakyeon glanced away from his book when his phone pinged with a message from Taekwoon. 'I don't know the details, but Wonshik wants to kill us all for some reason so if he shows up it's probably not the best time to let him in. Just pretend you aren't home or something. It's scary.'

. . .

"I'm about ready to murder him. He can't keep skipping dance practice because if he drops me I might break something. He needs to be here." Jaehwan vented. Of course they were throwing him around again. Why did it always have to be him?

"Hyung, I can get you. We can switch so I'm the one catching you." Hyuk volunteered before scooping up the vocalist bridal style. 

"Oh, Hyukkie! You make me feel like a princess!" Jaehwan batted his eye lashes in mock flirtation and started singing a Disney song.

"I really don't want to be the one to do it, but this is getting ridiculous. Who feels brave enough to go get him?" Hongbin grumbled. They all just traded non-committal glances.

"Not me." Hyuk wisely opted out being he had been the ground zero on Wonshik's out lash.

"Same" Taekwoon chickened out.

"He threw a shoe at me when I tried to ask him what he wanted for dinner yesterday and told me to go fuck myself." Jaehwan informed, the story being enough protest. 

Hongbin groaned and stomped his feet like a little kid. "Why is it always me? I don't want to be on cheer up duty anymore."

"This time it would be more like 'telling him to get his head out of his ass' duty." Hyuk sassed. 

"I would be surprised if he even let you get in a full sentence." Jaehwan grumbled. Hongbin groaned then ventured through the building the studio. He found Wonshik still sleeping. Eondong yawned in greeting. He scruffled the dogs fur before doing the same to Wonshik. The rapper looked at him groggily. 

"Hey sleepy head." Hongbin said gently. As much as he wanted to shout 'get your head out of your ass' it was hard when it had only been that the rapper had over slept instead of brooding and hiding. "Time for dance practice."

Wonshik groaned as he fenagled himself into a sitting position and tried to get his bearings. It was taking some time for his brain to kick start so Hongbin just sat down on the couch next to his legs and petted Eondong. 

"I'm sick. I'm not going to school today." Wonshik slurred before flopping back down.

"I will hurt you. I think a nice pile driver to the gut would make you feel much healthier."

"Don't fuck with me." Wonshik's tone was dangerous and Hongbin felt conflicted between being provoked enough to go off on him or trying to handle things gently. 

In a resigned sigh the edge left Wonshik's voice as he admitted "I don't know what I'm doing anymore."

"Specifically with what?"

"This album I guess. The songs are perfect. Everything is perfect and for once I hate perfect."

"…the other day…you decided you wanted to go forward with the album. Beyond the fact that it's pretty much done why are you doing it?"

"…."

"Wonshik…"

"I-…I thought I wanted him to come back. But…I don't think this song reached his heart. Hyuk said he played the song for Hakyeon and his reaction was just a meh. I poured my heart into that song and it meant nothing to him. He just dismissed it. How can I not be angry about that? and that pisses me off. I'll finish it out for the fans. It's not for him anymore. Go ahead and hate me for it just like everyone else will. I think they're being suckered and they won't see it that way, especially Hyuk and Taekwoon. They seem to think he's like some precious, fragile diety, and how dare we ask him for some kind of reaction. How dare we expect a little emotion out of him. He's truly emotionless and I don't want to be near him to see his creepy zombie new self. He may have given up on his emotions, but I never will, no matter how much it hurts. And it really hurts." Wonshik was shaking after his rant and gasping in breath from aching sobs. Hongbin held him close. 

He felt just as conflicted. After the incident with Jaehwan's opening night he had decided on looking after the people he had left, keeping them stable and loved. Hakyeon was the source of all the outbursts their group was experiencing. But the other three seemed happy to hold onto hope about being reconciled that he decided to not get in the way. They had seemed happy to go at a snail's pace and Wonshik had been so focused he had missed the welling up desperation.

"Wonshik, I don't hate you. Total opposite. I don't forgive him either. I just want to keep the people I still have happy. Fuck him. He isn't on that list." As Wonshik calmed to an spent simmer Hongbin continued. "You and me will do the album for the fans, but I think we should let the other three do what they want."

"He's only going to hurt them."

"I don't know. It seems like they don't have any expectations. I don't think they have any end results they are aiming for so they should be fine."

"I can't do it. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the shoot. I'm sure they've got their expectations on how loving he acts sky high. He is going to disappoint them and I'm going to be the one punching him this time."

"I'll do what I can. Do you trust me?"

"Yeah"

"Then I need you to trust that I can make this shoot work. I'm an actor you know."

"Hm, I know" He said with a small smile. "Ok"

. . .

"Taekwoon, you sneaky trojan horse bastard." Hakyeon said with a sneer as he opened the door to see two more Vixx members cowering behind him. 

"But Hyung I was just here the other day and I will go home tonight." Hyuk protested.

"Me too. Taekwoon made me promise not to be a pest. He said I can only watch the movie and I can't talk. We brought food too!" Jaehwan added, already violating his promise.

"Woonie…I can't tell if you are really that naïve or if you are trying to screw with me." Hakyeon said dryly. Jaehwan not talking was as mythical as unicorns and mermaids. 

"I'm not! I brought duct tape if it comes down to that." He murmured with embarrassment. Why was this grown ass man so cute. 

"Ugh, fine. But! If I feel a panic attack coming on because of you three you have to leave. Understood?"

They all nodded like children trying to be taken seriously. Hakyeon exhaled a resigned sigh and stood back to let them into his apartment. As they made themselves comfortable and set up for a movie night Hakyeon wondered "So how did you guys manage to come by such a nice chunk of free time today? I doubt this was in your original schedule."

They looked uneasy and reluctant to answer. "Dance practice…was short today so we finished doing our other stuff early." Hyuk tried uneasily.

"This goes against my better judgement, but do I want to know?"

"N-" Taekwoon was cut off with "Wonshik is throwing a bitch fit because we wanted to make some changes." Jaehwan said with a nervous smirk. Hakyeon caught Hyuk's deflated, defeated posture.

"Yeah, I'm good with not knowing the rest. Jaehwan strike one." Hakyeon replied dryly. Jaehwan made a cute squeak and scampered off to claim a spot on the couch next to where Hyuk had shuffled off to. Taekwoon made to follow, but Hakyeon pulled him a little down the hallway out of earshot of the two younger members.

"Hakyeon, I'm sorry. They just-"

"Shu, shu, shu Woonie, it's fine. Overwhelming, but I'll make do. I get why you didn't but going forward please ask first. But no, I was going to ask how serious is all of this? When I show up on set what am I walking into?"

"….It's more serious than I'd like it to be. Hongbin has been with Wonshik today, trying to calm him down."

"Right…and the last time I saw Hongbin I got punched. You see why I'm nervous right?"

"Yeah…I know. Me, Jae and Hyukkie will be by your side the whole time though. Trust me, I'm not going to let anyone hurt you."

Hakyeon frowned insecurely. "What if they yell at me?"

Taekwoon couldn't help feeling chilled knowing that this was a mental health danger he might not be able to prevent. All he could do was pull Hakyeon into a hug and say that he'd figure it out. The comedy they picked out wasn't distracting enough for Hakyeon. Taekwoon could tell by how hard Hakyeon was clutching at his hand and how chapped his bottom lip looked after nervously chewing on it. He held it together well enough to not worry the younger ones and he was happy they enjoyed hanging out at his place. He wished he could savor it too. 

. . .

Upon returning home to an empty dorm Taekwoon called Hongbin, wanting situation resolution. 

"Hey Hyung! What's up?"

"Oh, we just all got back home and I was wondering where you and Wonshik happened to be at."

"Eating at his studio."

"Ok. Are we good for dance practice tomorrow morning?"

"We've had a few beers, but I'll make sure he isn't too slammed."

"As in this is the last beer?" Taekwoon asked though really it was a warning.

"Sure Hyung. Don't worry I've got it."

"Hongbin, what happened earlier?"

"Um, not really the best time to go over that."

"Will he be good for the shoot?"

"That's random. I mean I guess. It's not like we have a choice."

"I-what's with that tone? You voted yes! Sorry, sorry, no. I didn't mean to do that. Sorry. You guys have fun. Good night."

"Wait- Hyung what's up with your tone?"

"I-…just-…worry. Is all."

"I said I've got it handled."

"No, I know. You're fine. I'm just tired and not saying things right. I'll see you in the morning." It wasn't worth fighting any battles until he had information. 

 

When Hongbin hung up Wonshik asked. "Which Hyung is being the kill joy?"

"The one that wants to have a dance practice tomorrow. As funny as it would be to let you get yourself hung over I should probably switch you to water. Trade."

"What?! But I'm an adult who can make his own decisions. I want to drink. Let's do soju shots."

"Sure I'll do the soju shots, you do the water shots."

"Bin, stop being an ass." Wonshik shot him a very threatening glare as Hongbin tried to pry the half full beer can out of the rapper's fingers.

"I'm being an ass so that you don't get mad at me in the morning for not stopping you. Seriously Shikkie, hand it over before beer gets spilled everywhere."

"Which Hyung was is?"

"Taekwoon. Happy? Beer. Now."

"Why was he checking up on us?"

"He just wants to make sure you're ok. You weren't exactly a happy camper the last time he saw you."

"What was the random thing? What don't we have a choice on?"

"Can we do this when we're more sober?"

"No"

"If I tell you will you stop drinking right now?" Wonshik's fingers loosened so that Hongbin could confiscate the alcohol to be replaced with a water bottle. Hongbin cleaned up their garbage, feeling Wonshik's eyes boring into him. Thanks a lot Taekwoon. Almost had him to a good point.

When he finished he plunked back down. "He wanted to know if you were good for the mv shoot. Like I said, random and not really an immediate concern. He sounded on edge. I think he's just really antsy for answers. He can wait more though. Don't worry about it."

"He can mind his own business. I'm good. In fact I just want to get over with so we can ship him off to the military and never see his robot fuck face again."

"That was very creative…" Hongbin was clearly unimpressed with the poorly designed insult. "Are you…are you good to see the others tomorrow? Things were kinda left on a sour note. What approach are you going to take?"

"I don't know. Probably just keep my mouth shut until I get a better read on them."

"And Hyuk?"

"Oh, for fuck's sake don't baby him."

"I wouldn't, but you were extremely rough on him. How are you feeling towards him now?"

"I'd like him to shut up."

"But are you mad?"

"Something like that."

. . .

"Wow…You look like shit." Dr. Kang noted as Hakyeon meekly shuffled over to the couch. His posture was hunch in and he looked exhausted. 

"I feel like it."

"Did you get another crier?"

"No, this was different."

"Were you the crier?"

Hakyeon narrowed his eyes with a miffed glare. "Not until I was alone. My kids have enough going on without trying to take care of me. Honestly, I thought I would be helping. -So the other night Taekwoon called me up and told me Hyuk had come up with an alternate end to the music video and that they wanted me in it. I said yes. I mean, the fans would like it, it would be good closure for them, it's an easy shoot and at the time I thought things were more unanimous so the tension would be low. But last night Taekwoon, Jaehwan and Hyuk surprised me and showed up wanting to do a movie night. I thought, sure, why not? I'll be seeing them again soon for the shoot. I'm already good with Taekwoon and Hyuk and it would be a good way to ease into dealing with Jaehwan's hyper-ness. It was, we had fun, but the problem is that Wonshik really went off on them about something and I have a really bad feeling that it may have been over something about me. I was feeling better, but now I can't go more than a minute without thinking about them arguing. I'm terrified of going to that shoot. I feel like I have to, but I think shit is going to hit the fan. I don't know what to do." 

Hakyeon fixed a timid stare on the psychiatrist like he was begging for him to make it magically better somehow. The dancer looked like all of the negative emotions he had been running from had caught up with him.

"Hakyeon…Let's break it into smaller pieces. Let's start with this. You feel like you have to do this. You won't lose anything by not doing this. What you have right now is three of your friends back. And if these friends that are worthwhile sure, maybe they would be a feel a little disappointed that you wouldn't come play with them, but they would be more concerned with your wellbeing. You won't lose them by saying no. Trust me, I think they would tell you to stay home if they saw how much of a mess this is making you. No offense, but you look like you've been living under your bed. I haven't seen you look like this since the times when I first got you. Deciding not to do this will not affect who you are. It won't make you a lesser person. Because, really, who's standards are you trying to measure up to? Does that person have realistic healthy standards? Do you get it?"

"I think so"

"So, you CANNOT take that option away from yourself. This shoot is optional. It won't make or break anything. Got it?"

"Yeah" Hakyeon's head was still hung and his expression uncertain.

"If you do go, what are you hoping for? Like if all of the bad stuff magically went away what do you want to get out of it?"

"It would make our group look good. I want them to do well. I want them to be happy. I think in theory it would. It would be nice to have fun together again. Shoots can be hard work, but they are a lot of fun too. I could see myself going back to acting after the military. I don't want to think about that though."

"So in a nut shell doing something you like with friends and making a product that will be appreciated by your fans?"

"Yeah."

"Ok. Good stuff. And obstacles being conflict and how it would affect how you function?"

"Yeah." 

"And the main guy that's the problem, Wonshik, what do you think would happen if you two talked? I'm assuming that you would have to at some point during the shoot."

"I'm afraid…that he'll take something the wrong way or he'll have expectations I can't do anything about. Like he'd want me to be a certain way or we'd meet up and he would be so mad I wouldn't even be able to get a word in before he just starts yelling. I'm afraid that even if I did say something it wouldn't change anything. I wouldn't be heard. I'm afraid I'll have to face that and I'll have a melt down and go blank and run away again." Hakyeon was having a hard time breathing once he started talking and Dr. Kang let him talk until he ran out of steam and his panic subsided. 

"So as a recap you are worried that Wonshik is holding a grudge you can't cope with, right?"

"Yeah." Hakyeon confirmed breathlessly. 

"Try to put that out of your mind for a sec. Anything else that could be a kill joy?"

"The same thing with Hongbin."

"Ok, that one too. Anything else?"

"No, I don't think the rest of the staff will question me too much."

"Ok, so I think before you decide on whether to go or not you should text them directly to find out where you stand with them and if they will be tolerant. I would not recommend a direct voice conversation or using someone as a go between. The reason why I'm stressing that you don't have to do this is that you tore yourself apart doing things you had talked yourself into thinking you needed to do. Things are different now. You aren't trying to hold on to the things that were supposed to make you happy, but weren't. So next appointment I want a report on what they say."

. . .

ChaLeader: Wonshik, Hongbin, I need a reply to decide so please don't ignore this. I didn't realize that the whole group didn't feel the same way when I accepted doing the mv with you guys. If you don't want me to do it I can make up an excuse and back out. I don't want to make you any more mad than I already have so if my presence would be too upsetting let me know and I'll back out. I'm not strong enough for upsetting.

KongBean: I don't care. As long as you leave me alone I'll leave you alone. This is a professional encounter, not a therapy session.

ChaLeader: I can do that. I already hate therapy so that’s a relief.

. . .

ChaLeader: Um…Wonshik? Can you text me back? I kinda need to know soon. I'll follow your lead on this one. 

DamnraVI: Whatever. I can fake it for a few hours. Let's just get this over with.

ChaLeader: You don't have to force yourself if you can't stand me enough to stay civil. I get it.

DamnraVI: Like hell you do. Just don't start shit and there won't be shit. Got it?

ChaLeader: Got it. Thanks. I'll stay out of your way.

After Wonshik changed his contacts so that instead of ChaLeader it said ChaTraitor.

. . .

Things slowly worked their way back to normalcy. The active Vixx members returned to being friendly again and they all made their peace offerings to each other that more or less worked as apologies. There weren't any more creative squabbles and they ignored their rough patch. They were actually starting to get excited to be performing again now that all the work had come together. They released Hakyeon's good bye party recording the day before they did the music video shoot. At the end of the week was his enlistment day and two weeks later they would drop the song and be in full promotion and performance mode.

The film crew was ready when the members got there and they had some daylight hours to do some rehearsal and briefing. Hakyeon was perched on a wood fence, meekly sipping banana milk. Wonshik and Hongbin hung back while the others swarmed the former leader and gleefully pulled him off the fence despite his protests of getting splinters in his ass. After hair and makeup the director called everyone over. 

"I'm liking how that cloud cover is looking so I want to change the order a little bit. When the sun sets a little more I want to do the cabin shoot first. That would make it look like the guys are getting saved at dawn. I want to do another round after dark in case the CGI guys can't work with the new lighting. I want to be ready in a half hour so everyone get to work. Vixx come with me so I can walk you through the scene." 

When Taekwoon said dilapidated and the director said cabin it was different than Hakyeon was picturing. More like angsty teenagers with spray paint and an ax had been hanging out there in what was more like a shack. Though the porch was still there, but half of the front and side walls were missing and ragged looking. On what walls were left there was decrepit wall paper, flecked paint and an unskilled street tag or two. The missing pieces made easy work for the cameras at least, and created beautiful views of the pine forest at the edge of the clearing. The clouds were creating beautiful lighting. They started with a quick round of photoshoots around the shack. The director and camera people were excited to have hit the lighting jackpot. Next the filming went smoothly. It was easy. Each member ran up to Hakyeon and they held onto each other while pretending to be terrified of invisible monsters. Hongbin even surprised everyone with skilled fake tears. 

In the fading twilight the active members were walked through their chases and safety briefings. It was bittersweet for Hakyeon to watch the hustle and bustle. Things repeated after they had total darkness and then it was over for him. Despite being busy with military life he monitored them religiously.  
. . .

"Taekwoon, hurry up. It's not airport fashion we're just seeing the kids off at the training center. You'll be wearing a coat anyway." Hakyeon nagged his roommate.

"Easy for you to say Mr. I just filmed a full episode and I've been up for hours. Do you get followed around by singing birds and talking animals?"

"How much sleep did you get?"

"I got in at 5, went to bed at 6 am, it's 10. What do you think?"

"I think we're too old to be pulling all nighters anymore. Come on, you look fine and manager-nim just texted that he's down in the parking lot."

Hakyeon dragged the grumbling vocalist out the front door. Taekwoon continued looking glum in the van. "Woonie? Remember you have to smile. It's not a funeral."

"It's just…we didn't get enough time with them."

"You softie. We'll get more time after. You know it wasn't that long and Jae gets out later this year. You'll have a dongsaeng to annoy again soon enough. You sound like an empty nester parent."

"Won't you miss them?"

"No because they won't be far away. We'll still see them."

"You're so callous."

"I know right!" Hakyeon smiled at Taekwoon as if it was a compliment. Hakyeon had a big smile for the kids and Hyuk gave him a big bear hug upon seeing him. The enlistee even swung him in a circle. Wonshik and Hongbin were more subdued, but pleasant. Under lying tension had long since died off by this time. 

Hakyeon made it a habit to write them all encouraging messages or letters when he saw their work. Wonshik had shown up at his apartment a year later with a garbage bag full of scrunched up pages of lyric ideas and Hakyeon's messages. Wonshik began chucking them at Hakyeon and yelled at him until the rapper was laying on the ground crying and being cradled by the elder. It took so long for them to clear the air that they both called in sick two days in a row. Hongbin was much more subtle. After all of the consistency Hakyeon showed in his support he forgot his anger and eventually his pleasantness was real when they all hung out.

The old friendship was long gone. They had constructed a new friendship that, while not as intimate as it used to be, was there. Maybe a little awkward, but nice. Movie night nice. Visiting each other's performances and sets nice. It would be nice if it could turn into a healthy working relationship should they decide to perform as a group again after the maknae line finished their service two years from then.

For now this was enough for all of them.

. . .


End file.
